


Processing Grief

by Trixie_Baggins



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coping, Feelz, Grief, Moving On
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-22 11:47:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4834172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trixie_Baggins/pseuds/Trixie_Baggins





	Processing Grief

Everyone processes grief differently, but Cas wasn’t doing it well. Meg was dead, and it felt like a part of him had died with her. He had experienced loss before, yes, but this was different. No longer did he feel the same joy and hope that he once had. Where Meg had once been, there was nothing. Just a black abyss of what once was, and what could’ve been.

 

Of all the pains he had felt in his long life, this was the worst. When Dean had stopped trusting him, he hadn’t felt this horrible. When he had broken Sam’s hell wall, nearly killing him, he hadn’t been so wrecked. When he was in Purgatory, he hadn’t felt so scared. And not even when Naomi had brainwashed and controlled him did he feel so betrayed.

 

‘But you betrayed her,’ said the tiny little voice in his head. ‘If you hadn’t taken off when you did, if you stayed, Meg would be alive right now.’ Castiel hated that voice with a passion. But he knew that it was his fault, and that’s what hurt most of all. Knowing that if he hadn’t been such a coward, if he’d gotten his priorities right the first time, the person he loved most would still be here.

 

In his grief-stricken state, Castiel made bad choices. He pushed Dean and Sam, the two people left to care about him, away, and even went so far as to accuse Sam of intentionally leaving Meg. Sam came up to him, when they found him again, and told him about the talk they had had. ‘I told her about Amelia,’ he said, not daring to look at Castiel. ‘She called her my unicorn, the rare creature that could make someone stop hunting. Crowley showed up, and she told me to go, to save my brother . . . and her unicorn.’

 

‘Why are you telling me this?’

 

‘Cas, I don’t want you to think she died because of you. I want you to know that she died for you.’

 

Castiel remained silent and Sam eventually left. In his long life, Cas had never cried, until now. Grief, pain, sadness, the eventual moving on. He couldn’t do it. It seemed like it was all Dean and Sam ever did, and he saw what it did to them. There was this tiny little part of Cas that never did move on from Meg. It never forgot, and it never forgave.

 

* * *

 

  
‘When this is all over, let’s order a pizza, and rearrange the furniture,’ she had said, that flirtatious smirk lighting up her face.

 

Shortly after arriving at the compound, Cas had asked Dean what the angel ‘Clarence’ was from, and after Dean told him, Castiel went to the nearest store and bought a copy of It’s a Wonderful Life. He ordered a pizza, and when Dean walked by his room, he was literally rearranging the furniture.

 

People process grief different ways, but it always changes them.

 

_[fin]_


End file.
